My Eligh: In honor of pregnancy and infant loss awareness month

My Eligh: In honor of pregnancy and infant loss awareness month

My little boy Eligh should be almost 7 years old now, but I never got to meet him. I was 5 months pregnant when I lost my baby. I had been on a work trip to Australia at the time and was in the middle of a trial when I first noticed bleeding and was rushed to hospital. I did not lose my baby that day, but I often think about whether or not I made mistakes or bad choices in the weeks that followed, including whether I should have stopped work, taken time to rest, not got on that flight – all questions that I will never have answers for and for which no longer matter as it cannot bring my baby back.

My little boy died on the transit home to Los Angeles. I know this because the last scan that I had was just a couple of hours before my flight and I went straight from the airport in L.A. to my doctor for another scan. By that time, my baby’s heartbeat had stopped, and I was told that it was time for me to say goodbye.

I will never forget that day. As long as I live, that day will remain one of the hardest days of my life. I have two beautiful daughters now but that doesn’t make the pain of loss felt whenever I think of Eligh any less. Grief has no expiration date. It isn’t rational or make sense – it is not supposed to. It is personal and very real to the person who is experiencing it.

I want to share my story with you for another reason though. When I think back to the days and weeks following the loss of my baby, I feel sadness and disappointment, but not just because of the loss of my baby. Of course, I will always feel sadness for the child that I lost and wonder what my little boy would have looked like and the person that he would have become, but I also feel disappointed in myself. I should have taken the time that I needed to rest and heal from the experience that I was going through but, I didn’t and in not doing so I believe that I failed other women.

As we get older and we progress through an organization into management positions, whether we realize it or not, we become role models for others to follow and I believe that is a really important obligation that none of us should take lightly. Never have I understood this more than since becoming a mother. My little girls are 5 now and I watch as they have started talking like me and mimicking my own phrases and behaviors. Children are so impressionable from a young age, and this continues on throughout life as we look to role models as we get older – people that we want to aspire to be like personally and professionally. I therefore take this responsibility really seriously and I am here to tell you that after the loss of my son and the three other miscarriages that followed, I did a poor job of it during that time. It is what led me to the work that I do today advocating for better support and understanding for women in the workplace who are experiencing health issues and fertility struggles and ultimately what inspired me to write my book Milk and Margaritas and to share my story.

In the days, weeks and months that followed the loss of my baby, the surgeries, procedures, and fertility treatments, I set a poor example for others. I didn’t stop pushing myself. I just kept working and pushed through. I tried to be “tough”. I didn’t want to let anyone down. I didn’t want anyone to think of me as weak, incapable, or unreliable. I didn’t want to be a failure.

I have now realized that what I was actually doing was not effectively dealing with my loss or grief at all and I was inadvertently setting an expectation for myself, and worse, a bad example for others. The problem is that it was not only detrimental to myself but it also provided validation for people to think that if I could do it, then others should be able to do it as well. And, if they couldn’t, then does that make them weak, incapable, unreliable?

The other thing that I realized about appearing ‘strong’, is that others naturally start assuming that you must be fine too, so while you may be dying inside, to the outside world, the expectations remain the same and the effect is that the workplace stresses that under normal circumstances may have been tolerable, can become a catalyst for a breakdown.

I understand that people often do not know what to say in situations like the loss of a baby and, let’s be honest, there really is nothing that any one can say to make the pain go away but saying nothing at all, in my view, is not the right approach either. We need to stop asking, “Are you okay?” and start having meaningful conversations with employees when they experience loss and grief. We need to stop avoiding difficult and uncomfortable conversions and start offering real, tangible options, resources, and support to employees, through things like workplace flexibility, the ability to take leave or time away from work to deal with grief, without fear of repercussions. We should be making women who are experiencing fertility issues, child loss, menopause and other women’s health issues feel comfortable and confident enough to raise their hands when they need support.

When employers change the narrative and offer employee’s options of ways that they can help support the employee through challenging times, they empower the employee to make decisions about what they need to continue to succeed at work. It also enables them to do so in a way that feels much more comfortable, supportive and inclusive because it demonstrates that the organization has taken the time to think through the situation and work out ways to assist. That type of small difference in approach can make a significant difference to an employee who is experiencing loss, grief or serious illness.

I finally realized that asking for support is a real sign of strength, not a weakness. Today, I am honoring the memory of my son by sharing my story with you in the hope that it might inspire others to have the strength to take the time that they need to heal and grieve in similar situations so that you can come back stronger and keep fighting on towards better days. 

Belle Lajoie

Chief of Staff at Soda, Chief Executive Officer at Cloudscene

1y

This is so impactful, Naomi Seddon. Thanks for sharing

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