9 years of lessons learned

Everyone thinks their child is special, we’re biologically predisposed toward it. But mine is extra special. Every year on Ryan’s birthday, I tell the world about him through an article I share online. I started on his 7th birthday and continued on his 8th. This year is no different. I use this as an opportunity to reflect on the previous year with my only child but also as a way to remember many of the incredible people who make up Ryan’s village.

In August, a few weeks after Ryan’s 8th birthday, we took a trip to our nation’s Capitol with his grandmother. I work in and around politics and my friends really put on a show for my politically astute little guy and my mother. Ryan got private tours of the Pentagon, White House, and House of Representatives that most lifetime residents of D.C. never get. We also visited our friend Gwen in Philadelphia for 24 hours. She showed us Independence Hall, the National Constitution Center, and so much more. We owe huge thanks to so many incredible public servants who work hard every day doing the work that makes our country amazing. The experiences we had were unforgettable and I’m sure Ryan will hold onto them for decades to come. I’m proud to report that, during that trip, Ryan discovered a love for Congressman John Lewis and lists him as one of his heroes.

When we returned from the east coast, Ryan began 3rd grade. He was fortunate to have an incredible teacher this year, Mrs. Wilsie. Ryan has been diagnosed with ADHD (he came by it honestly) and Mrs. Wilsie was patient, kind, and understanding with him all year. She treated him well and it showed in his schoolwork. She was always happy to send a note home letting us know that he had a great day or sometimes that he had had a tough day but she had a plan and wanted to make sure we knew what it was.

Our lives changed forever, in more than one way, in early November 2016. The 2016 presidential election happened. I went up to his room the morning after the election and discovered he had a photo of him with Hillary Clinton next to his bed. When I told him that Hillary had lost he was devastated. I also began dating the love of my life, Stefanie, and immediately (and perhaps not-so-traditionally) they had a great relationship.

Also in November, Ryan met President Obama for the second time. When we got a chance to chat with him, Ryan told the President “My name is Ryan VanDiver, I’m 8 years old and we met once before.” The President didn’t miss a beat, he responded “Well Ryan, you’re a lot taller than the last time we saw each other.” To which Ryan replied, “I’m not that much taller” and the President closed with “Well, I don’t get to see you that often so it may not seem like a lot to you but it’s a lot to me”. Ryan was blown away. So was I.

Throughout the year, Ryan participated in a lot of community activities and uniquely San Diego things. From sailing almost weekly with Captain Bob to participating in the Women’s March (and running into Mrs. Wilsie), Ryan had a fun year and learned a lot. One of his favorite activities was checking out the set at Fox 5 News here in San Diego. Tabitha showed him how the weather forecast segment worked and he was blown away.

We just returned from a week spent in Idaho with Stefanie’s very large family. Seeing her parents, Steve and Judy, stick up for Ryan when Stef and I are setting high expectations is heartwarming.It’s clear they’re ready for grand kids and they have a great deal of love and affection for Ryan. On that trip Ryan and I learned a lot about large family dynamics. We also learned about life on a lake.

My favorite memory from that trip is being out on the speed boat with Stef and some of her extended family and then hearing shouts from shore. Ryan had caught a fish. Without hesitation, as soon as Ryan had the fish on the line, Stefanie’s cousin, Chenz, sprang into action and helped Ryan catch the fish. What no one else knew was that just about an hour before that, Ryan and I were quietly fishing from the pier and he told me “I’m catching a fish today, dad. No matter what.”

When we returned to shore both he and Chenz were proud to show off the photos of the two fish they had caught and released. I couldn’t have been more proud that Ryan set a goal, persisted in his efforts for a long time, and achieved it. I also couldn’t be happier that the family we have inherited through Stefanie is large, unwieldy, and each person is incredible in their own way. Everyone on the trip took turns entertaining and engaging with Ryan. Stefanie’s siblings, Nick and Olivia, have been particularly kind to Ryan.

Ryan has a lot of opinions and is quite strong willed. His least favorite thing is my phone and he’s not shy about calling me out on being on it. More than anything, Ryan teaches me about myself. I see him struggling through things that I struggled through as a child (and still struggle with today). Figuring out the right balance between helping him solve problems and giving him loose bumpers to solve issues in his way has been quite the challenge. A challenge that parents the world over face. As I watch him struggle through interpersonal dynamics at school or even just focusing to clean his room, I remember how tough it was for me at that age.

Through the entire year, Ryan’s inner circle of Grandma, Warda, Laurie and Stephen, Bill and Sal, Bob, and more have done so much to take care of him, and of us. I couldn’t appreciate more the way that his village is always willing to help me meet my professional obligations and make sure Ryan has a fulfilling childhood. Particularly amazing this year was Stefanie, who dove right in with Ryan and me and has been incredibly compassionate and engaged with him from day 1. Their relationship is very special and unique and watching it unfold and evolve has been quite an experience.

As I write this, Ryan is at Camp Cahito, in lovely Balboa Park. In about a week and a half, he’ll be starting 4th grade. Who knows what this year will bring, but I’m committing to being more present with Ryan and the absolute best dad I can be. I remain the luckiest man in the world and couldn’t be happier to call Ryan my son.

Shawn VanDiver is the proud father of the most interesting and incredible kid in America. If you’d like to wish Ryan a happy 9th birthday, please leave a comment below.