Recently, I heard Dwayne ‘the rock’ Johnson being interviewed at the MTV Awards and one comment he made really resonated with me. He said when he was 15 he heard a quote that stuck with him – "It’s nice to be important, but it’s more important to be nice." He further noted that "being kind, being compassionate, being inclusive and straight up and just being good to people is what matters."
It got me thinking about how we view niceness at work. There’s actually a fair amount written about this, about how in some people’s minds, it can be detrimental to your career success and to a firm’s growth in terms of innovation and new ideas. Strange, huh?
When I have taught negotiations skills to leaders, I have often referred to sources such as the Power of Nice by Ron Shapiro and have used the expression "be soft on the person and hard on the problem" mentioned by Fisher, Ury and Patton in their Getting to Yes negotiations book. I firmly believe you don’t have to be aggressive or nasty to get what you want in a negotiation nor in business. Yet, clearly, there are people who think you have to be jerks in order to make sure no one tramples you. Entrepreneur Mark Cuban says he changed his view on all of this over time and now agrees that being nice is one of the most underrated skills in business and is a critical factor in your success.
Don’t get me wrong – you do have to stand up for yourself and you have to give honest feedback to people who are not doing what they should be doing, but you can still do this in a kind, compassionate, nice and firm way. I’ve seen it done really well. I’ve also seen, however, people worried about not being seen as nice so they don’t tell a person directly what they think; instead, they tell everyone around them. This is actually much more harmful to the culture. I consulted for a firm where the people were so nice to each other that they were worried about being honest and didn’t share real feedback. That makes it hard for people to learn and grow and for a company to get the feedback it needs and thrive. Far better if they had been honest in a nice way to help move the firm forward.
So, how can we be nice and honest at the same time? One executive, I coached shared that he always gave honest constructive feedback no matter how hard it was to give or for the person to hear. He mentioned how he often got really positive comments from people after receiving the feedback, noting they often commented that no one had ever given them "real feedback" before. What made the difference in his mind was that he delivered the feedback in a caring, constructive way to help the person and the person knew he cared about them deeply. They appreciated that he was ‘nice’ when sharing the feedback with them.
So, what’s the key? As Dwayne Johnson noted "being compassionate" is key. Letting the person know that you have their best interests at heart when sharing honest feedback. Using a caring tone, letting them know that you care about them as a person even if some of their behaviors are not what they should be.
It is problematic if the culture is so nice that no one speaks the truth or is afraid to upset anyone. That will make it difficult to bring in new ideas and innovations. It may make it harder for the current employees to adapt to newcomers who bring in diverse perspectives. So, it is critical for an organization to figure out how to stay open to new ideas while at the same time enabling people to feel that the ‘niceness’ is not evaporating. Training on how to give respectful, honest feedback while maintaining niceness may be needed. After all, firms need to have a healthy amount of conflict to move forward.
What else can you do to show niceness at work? Look for the good things that people do and comment on those instead of their errors; encourage individuals and support their efforts; share positive news about individuals with others (instead of negative gossip); send thank you notes, and smile at people at work. Just thanking people and celebrating their successes is huge. It is surprising to me how often coworkers are jealous of each other and don't celebrate successes or take the time to thank each other for what they do.
These are just a few of the ways you can be positive to others, stay nice, and build an honest productive culture. With all the hours we spend at work, having it be a place where people treat each other in a nice, respectful way while being constructive and supportive is really what makes it a place we enjoy working at.
