Q: “School Bullying Gave My Child Social Anxiety That Persists at Their New School.”
“After-school clubs and activities can help your child identify and interact with like-minded peers in a safe space. Once they gain confidence, a teen can move on to a one-on-one friendship.”
Q1: “We’re moving my son, who has ADHD, to another school. He has been bullied from elementary to high school by the same group of students. I want him to join a group at his new school, but he’s been rejected so many times over the years that he doesn’t want to risk it. What should I do?”
I just want to validate how hard this is and the importance of advocating for your student by moving him to a different school and trying to set him up for success.
Sometimes, smaller-group social interaction, even with one or two other peers who have similar interests, is better than trying to jump into a larger group or sports team. So, if your student likes basketball and he meets another student who likes the sport, your son might invite them to shoot hoops after school. You also might want to think about less competitive activities, like musical performances, that encourage positive peer interactions.
It gets more complicated in high school. Teachers typically don’t recognize shared interests among students like elementary school teachers do, but after-school clubs and activities can help your child identify and interact with like-minded peers in a safe space. Sometimes, once they gain confidence from a successful club or online interaction, a teen can move on to a one-on-one friendship.
Bullying Risk Factors
School bullying remains a serious problem in U.S. schools, particularly for students with ADHD, autism, learning differences, and other comorbidities. In an ADDitude survey, 61% of more than 1,000 caregivers said their neurodivergent child was bullied at school.
[Free Guide: Help Your Child Make Friends]
Children are at greater risk of becoming a bully, or being bullied, if they have:
- ADHD, anxiety, and/or autism
- Poor inhibition
- Developmental delays
- Difficulty making friends
- Poor self-regulation
In an ADDitude survey, 61% of more than 1,000 caregivers said their neurodivergent child was bullied at school. Children were bullied beyond school in the following environments:
- Social media 32%
- School bus 30%
- Text messages 27%
- Club/sports team 19%
Bullying was perpetrated by:
- Child’s classmate 66%
- Multiple students 49%
- A friend 29%
- A teacher, school staff member, or coach 26%
While bullies target neurodivergent children, few are punished at school, ADDitude readers say.
“The school always blamed my child for causing issues,” says one reader. “His peers knew how to wind my son up, and then he would get the blame. He had no control over his emotions.”
Says another reader, “Once a teacher starts to bully a child, it becomes open season for peer social abuse and torment.”
Most survey respondents (71%) were unsatisfied with the school’s response to bullying, which included:
- Never acknowledged the bullying 37%
- Gave a verbal warning to the bully 30%
- Spoke to the child about being bullied 28%
- Punished the child who was bullied 15%
- Disciplined the bully 12%
- Provided support services for the child 9%
“I work with my child to resolve the conflict himself first, and then if the bullying continues, we involve the school,” says a reader.
[Free eBook: Time to Change? Great Schools for ADHD Kids]
Q2: “My teen won’t open up to me about what’s happening at school. I know there has been drama with her friends. How can I help her when she refuses to talk?”
Let your teen come to you when she’s ready; don’t force it. That dreaded question, “How was your day at school?” is not a good way to encourage openness. Try to find times when talking happens naturally, like during car rides or while making dinner. Open those conversations by asking, “What are you looking forward to today?” or “Is there anything that you’re worried about today?”
Over time, when she does come to you with problems, make sure that you’re providing supportive responses and not trying to just jump in and fix things. Sometimes, teens just want to be heard and validated. You might say, “What do you need right now? Do you just want me to listen? Do you want me to help you solve this? Do you just want to vent?” Being able to meet her where she’s at, in that moment, is key.
School Bullying and Social Anxiety: Next Steps
- Read: Bullying Is the Norm. So Is an Inadequate Response.
- Read: Will My Child Find a Best Friend This School Year?
- Download: Free Guide: Social Anxiety Facts and Falsehoods
- Watch: “My Child Is Being Bullied at School!” Strategies for Parents
Rosanna Breaux, Ph.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist, director of the Virginia Tech Child Study Center, and assistant professor of psychology.
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